Good Advice For Conversations With Your Ex
When you are having a conversation, especially a tough conversation:
- Don't start sentences with "You". They are likely to be heard as blaming and so they won't be helpful or constructive.
- Don't use absolute words such as "always" or "never", because they probably aren't 100% true and will lead the listener to think (with good reason) to think you are overstating your case.
- Invite the other person to help you solve the problem you are seeing.
- Before calling the other person, text them to see when would be a good time to talk (give them a heads-up that you need to some quality time to talk this through when neither of you is distracted or pressed for time).
- Don't start talking about a big topic before first checking in about time constraints (ask "is this a good time to talk about "x"?).
- Listen to understand. Be curious. Ask good questions that show you genuinely want to see their perspective.
- Be present. Don't multi-task while communicating with your ex.
- Listen for repetition. Your ex may not be feeling heard. Ask "I heard you say "x" more than once, is there something that I can do so you feel heard on that topic?
- If you aren't feeling heard, ask "I feel like you aren't hearing me when I say "x", can you please acknowledge that you heard what I was saying and that it is important to me?"
- Don't make your ex talk to you through your new partner or prohibit all communication between your ex and your new partner.
- Be careful starting a question with the word "Why". It can sound aggressive as if you are questioning their motives and intelligence. A good alternative is to say "I don't think I understand "x", can you tell me more about it?"
- Be careful with the word "actually" as in "Actually, I left at 5:30pm" or "He actually didn't know about that". It sounds demeaning just like using the word "obviously".
- Be careful focusing too much on "logic" or being "logical". This isn't a debate club and respect for emotion is very important. Saying that you are being logical and they are not is a recipe for the other person feeling demeaned.
- If you are talking in person, turn your phone off or put it on airplane mode and put it away (in your pocket or bag).
When you are having a conversation, especially a tough conversation:
- Don't start sentences with "You". They are likely to be heard as blaming and so they won't be helpful or constructive.
- Don't use absolute words such as "always" or "never", because they probably aren't 100% true and will lead the listener to think (with good reason) to think you are overstating your case.
- Invite the other person to help you solve the problem you are seeing.
- Before calling the other person, text them to see when would be a good time to talk (give them a heads-up that you need to some quality time to talk this through when neither of you is distracted or pressed for time).
- Don't start talking about a big topic before first checking in about time constraints (ask "is this a good time to talk about "x"?).
- Listen to understand. Be curious. Ask good questions that show you genuinely want to see their perspective.
- Be present. Don't multi-task while communicating with your ex.
- Listen for repetition. Your ex may not be feeling heard. Ask "I heard you say "x" more than once, is there something that I can do so you feel heard on that topic?
- If you aren't feeling heard, ask "I feel like you aren't hearing me when I say "x", can you please acknowledge that you heard what I was saying and that it is important to me?"
- Don't make your ex talk to you through your new partner or prohibit all communication between your ex and your new partner.
- Be careful starting a question with the word "Why". It can sound aggressive as if you are questioning their motives and intelligence. A good alternative is to say "I don't think I understand "x", can you tell me more about it?"
- Be careful with the word "actually" as in "Actually, I left at 5:30pm" or "He actually didn't know about that". It sounds demeaning just like using the word "obviously".
- Be careful focusing too much on "logic" or being "logical". This isn't a debate club and respect for emotion is very important. Saying that you are being logical and they are not is a recipe for the other person feeling demeaned.
- If you are talking in person, turn your phone off or put it on airplane mode and put it away (in your pocket or bag).