ARNOLD LAW AND MEDIATION LLC
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Good Advice For Conversations With Your Ex

When you are having a conversation, especially a tough conversation:

- Don't start sentences with "You".  They are likely to be heard as blaming and so they won't be helpful or constructive.

- Don't use absolute words such as "always" or "never", because they probably aren't 100% true and will lead the listener to think (with good reason) to think you are overstating your case.

- Invite the other person to help you solve the problem you are seeing.

- Before calling the other person, text them to see when would be a good time to talk (give them a heads-up that you need to some quality time to talk this through when neither of you is distracted or pressed for time).

- Don't start talking about a big topic before first checking in about time constraints (ask "is this a good time to talk about "x"?).

- Listen to understand.  Be curious.  Ask good questions that show you genuinely want to see their perspective.

- Be present.  Don't multi-task while communicating with your ex.

- Listen for repetition.  Your ex may not be feeling heard.  Ask "I heard you say "x" more than once, is there something that I can do so you feel heard on that topic?

- If you aren't feeling heard, ask "I feel like you aren't hearing me when I say "x", can you please acknowledge that you heard what I was saying and that it is important to me?"

- Don't make your ex talk to you through your new partner or prohibit all communication between your ex and your new partner.

- Be careful starting a question with the word "Why".  It can sound aggressive as if you are questioning their motives and intelligence.  A good alternative is to say "I don't think I understand "x", can you tell me more about it?"

- Be careful with the word "actually" as in "Actually, I left at 5:30pm" or "He actually didn't know about that".  It sounds demeaning just like using the word "obviously".

​- Be careful focusing too much on "logic" or being "logical".  This isn't a debate club and respect for emotion is very important.  Saying that you are being logical and they are not is a recipe for the other person feeling demeaned.


- If you are talking in person, turn your phone off or put it on airplane mode and put it away (in your pocket or bag).

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  • Home
  • About Us
  • Contact
  • Offices
    • Northfield, MN
    • Edina, MN
  • Family Law Services
    • Uncontested
    • Mediation
    • Collaborative
    • Court Forms Help
    • Parenting Consulting
    • Custody Evaluations
  • Other Services
    • Family Communication Services
    • Child Protection Cases
  • Fees
  • Reviews
  • Payment
  • Communication Tips
  • Family Law Topics